Again and Again

mental health & illness

Oh, oh, ’tis happened again. A few weeks of steady mental decline, leading to bloodwork, leading to the test results — my body has somehow been metabolizing my mood stabilizer differently again. Which means that I am sub-threshold for a therapeutic level in the blood. This is what happened in August-January 2011/12, which landed me in the hospital. I won’t be back there again this time if I can help it, but have been struggling. It is so hard to care for Daphne, for example, when my brain is malfunctioning. C does a wonderful job, but he has to leave the house sometimes — today he’s gone all day for work — and then it’s just Daph and me, and I have to take her out and make sure she’s not vomiting or eating strange things. It reminds me, yet again, of why I cannot see myself having a child. Yes, Mommy is lying on the couch again today and crying. No, she will not play with you. Yes, the things she says do not make sense.
Daphne doesn’t put much stock in those things. She just jumps on my chest and licks my nose and face until I giggle despite myself. I have a Pilates class and a Skype date today, and maybe a dinner at my aunt and uncle’s house, and it all seems like so much — I know already that after I post this I’m going to crawl back under the blanket on the couch, and will sleep (I hope).

Share Button