I found myself gulping for air after a particularly painful therapy session the other week.
I also insisted to my psychiatrist that I had not been experiencing any particular stresses in the time before my three-monthlong (and counting) psychotic episode. Because what does that mean, anyway? Everyone has stress. Everyone goes through hard times. I don’t consider myself a person who goes through times that are any harder than the ones faced by any other human being on this planet. I don’t consider having to work extra hours or a career setback or wrist pain to be significant in terms of S-T-R-E-S-S. They are, I think, simply nuisances. And I get through them.
But after I started talking to my therapist about this lack of S-T-R-E-S-S, I took a sharp left and found myself talking about one friend who is no longer in my life — a friend that I’d considered as similar to a sister as I’ve ever had, seeing as how I don’t actually have a sister. And I’d also left a friendship that was obviously toxic to everyone around me — he made me cry more often than he made me laugh — but still, I’d known hin for over a decade, and I’d decided to cut it off.
I’m not going to talk about the details of the last friend here. But I did end that friendship, too, and it was a friendship that I cherished deeply, yet had to let go.
So perhaps it’s no wonder that I’ve been breaking down. Rattle rattle rattle. Stalled in the middle of the road till the night comes and the bats come swarming out. No fireflies to light my way. I call their names into the night. Perhaps it is for the best, but it fucking hurts. Hello! A great whoosh of wings. Say goodbye, babygirl. Say goodbye, and move on.
…and, as a gesture of love and affection for those of you who’ve stuck around and watched my site grow, I’m giving away the newest issue of Kinfolk, Volume 8. Retail price $18. Gorgeous photographs. To enter, simply post a comment with your information (I promise not to spam you!) and a tidbit about your favorite part about getting up in the mornings. The giveaway will end on Sunday, June 23rd at 12PM Pacific Time. Good luck!