(Yes, there is a ghost face of my face in the above photograph.)
The new site is up. I turned 30 last weekend. I am still mired in dissociation, remnants of delusion, confusion. Dreams and reality seep into one another. Nightmares. The new medication makes me collapse out of bed — rather, I have to spend the first ten minutes or so unable to stand upright, but must be hunched over, and when I speak my tongue is a heavy and useless muscle. I take my morning pills. While I wait for them to work, my mouth fills with saliva. Drooling is a common side effect in the first few weeks. I wake up and the shoulder of whatever I’m wearing is positively sopping. Glamorous, I know. The first hour of my day is useless. Clozaril requires bloodwork every week for the first six months. There is only one pharmacy in San Francisco that is certified to dispense Clozaril, and only a week’s worth at a time. It has not been easy, this month or more of feeling lost and confused, but I am grateful for the friends who were able to come visit me for my birthday, which was a beautiful experience. If only the fatigue and grogginess could slip away and leave me alert and whole. Still, I have hope. Hope, the thing with wings.
A huge thank you to the talented Jo Klima of The Darling Tree, who helped me with this renovation. I was concerned that the time difference between us would cause the transition to take up far too much time, but the site was really only on Maintenance Mode for a day or two. I think it looks beautiful. Let’s all give Jo a hand, shall we?
I know that there is so much more that I want to say, but I am tired, too tired to explain or say those things, and so I will leave it for now, and thank you for your patience. There is a giveaway coming up. Oh, and there is a possibility that my RSS feed needs to be re-subscribed to, so check to make sure you’re up to speed with the new site.
All my love. All, all my love.