A Post About Pain

a motley assortment

Pain, especially long-term pain, can make people misanthropic, angry, and bitter. Even normally very nice people. I’ve been thinking about this over the last few months.

I went back to work on Monday after feeling much better for a few days. Remember that I’d been convalescing for over a month. Then, hours later: pain. Really bad pain.

By the time I went to the clinic for the billionth time yesterday, I had a new diagnosis: back strain. It seems that my back muscles had atrophied when I was recovering, and I pulled a muscle or otherwise injured my back while attempting to get back to everyday life. The back strain was also the culprit behind my pelvic, leg, and abdominal pain, due to the network of nerves originating from the lower back.

The doctor, who wasn’t my ordinary doctor, told me to take Motrin and sit on hard chairs. This was after I told her that I was experiencing pain from a 7 to 8 on the pain scale. (Which was true.) I asked her how I was supposed to function with this kind of pain. She said that I would be better in two days, but that it would take a month to fully recover.

I was already near tears by then, but I waited until she left the room to sit on the floor and sob. I cried all the way to the elevators. I cried in the lab where I was getting yet another round of tests done. I cried in the Member Services office, where I tried to get my rejected Short Term Disability forms filled out. I was also hating everyone around me. Even the people who were trying to help.

I thought of everyone I know who is angry and bitter, and in pain.

I took two melatonin at 9 PM and fell asleep after reading a bit of Mating (Rush). I woke up with pain. I am very tired.


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